“O Allah! To you alone, I complain of my helplessness, the insufficiency of my resources and my insignificance before the people. You are the Most Merciful of the merciful. You are the Lord of the helpless and the weak. O Lord of mine! Into whose hands would you abandon me to? Into the hands of an unsympathetic distant relative who would show hostility against me? Or to an enemy who has been given control over my affair? But if Your wrath does not fall on me, there is nothing for me to worry about.
I seek protection in the light of Your Countenance. which illuminates the Heavens and the earth, and that dispels darkness, and which controls all affairs in this world and in the Hereafter. May it never be that Your wrath, that You should be wrathful to me. And there is no power nor resource, but Yours alone.” (Narrated by Imam At-Tabrani)
A Muslim must also maintain a positive attitude that the situation that he is facing is a form of a test from Allah s.w.t and for a good reason as stipulated in the Quran;
“And most certainly shall We try you by means of danger, and hunger, and loss of worldly goods, of lives and of [labour’s] fruits. But give glad tidings unto those who are patient in adversity.”
(Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:155)
The Quran has clearly stated that test and tribulation is part and parcel of life,
“He who has created death as well as life, so that He might put you to a test [and thus show] which of you is best in conduct, and [make you realize that] He alone is almighty, truly forgiving.”
(Surah Al-Mulk, 67:2)
And some of life’s tests come from immediate family members,
“O you who have attained to faith! Behold, some of your spouses and your children are enemies unto you: so beware of them! But if you pardon [their faults] and forbear, and forgive-then, behold, Allah will be much-forgiving, a dispenser of grace”
(Surah At-Taghabun, 64:14-15)
Although life’s test comes with challenges and hardship, it also opens opportunities for gaining Allah’s pleasure if a Muslim maintains patience and strives to his best ability to overcome it. This positive attitude is consistent with the teaching of Islam that Muslim should strive to maintain good faith towards Allah s.w.t. as mentioned in a hadith,
“Allah said: I am to my slave as he thinks of Me, (i.e. I am able to do for him what he thinks I can do for him).”
(Narrated by Imam Al-Bukhari)
And not to lose hope when facing a difficult situation,
“..and do not lose hope of Allah’s life-giving mercy: verily, none but people who deny the truth can ever lose hope of Allah’s life-giving mercy.”
(The Quran, 12:87)
Look into the lessons from the stories of the Prophets a.s.
The Qur’an is the primary reference book for Muslims in all life challenges. In the context of the problem being discussed, the Qur’an has narrated stories of Prophets as best examples and inspirations for Muslims.
There are stories of Prophets’ dealing with their close family members who committed grave sins and some others rejected the call to tawhid and chose to be on the side of disbelievers.
• Prophet Adam a.s – his son Qabil disobeyed Allah’s instruction on offering sacrifice and murdered his brother (Surah Al-Ma’idah, 5:27-30)
• Prophet Nuh a.s – his wife and son rejected his faith and perished with disbelievers (Surah Hud, 11:42 and Surah At-Tahrim 66:10)
• Prophet Lut a.s – his wife refused to accept the call to faith and perished with the disbelievers (Surah At-Tahrim, 66:10)
• Prophet Ibrahim a.s – his father chose to reject his call of faith (Surah Al-An’am, 6:74)
• Prophet Ya’kob a.s – his children’s conspiracy caused tremendous hardship to his son Prophet Yusuf a.s (Chapter 12 of the Qur’an, Surah Yusuf)
• Prophet Muhammad s.a.w – his uncle Abu Talib refused to accept his prophetic message (Surah Al-Qasas, 28:56).
In addition, there is also a story of Asiah, wife of Pharaoh, in the Qur’an, who believed in Allah secretly while his husband was a staunch opponent of prophet Musa (Surah At-Tahrim, 66:11).
The above examples illustrate scenarios where a Muslim might face the following;
• pious husband living with misguided wife (story of Lut and Nuh with their wives)
• pious wife living with misguided husband (story of Asiah with Pharaoh)
• pious child living with misguided parent (story of Ibrahim with his father)
• pious parent living with misguided children (story of Adam, Nuh and Ya’kob with their children)
• pious individual living with misguided close relatives (story of prophet Muhammad with his uncle and relatives).
Thus, whatever scenarios of misguided close family members a Muslim may have to face, there is an example in the Qur’an from the stories of the Prophets a.s where he can learn from and seek guidance.
There are, however, common lessons from all the stories. The first and most glaring lesson is that the Prophets a.s maintained their relationship with the misguided family members.
Prophet Nuh and Prophet Lut a.s did not divorce or chase away their wives, nor did they cut off relationships with their children. Both continued to be dutiful fathers and showed care and concern to them. Prophet Ibrahim a.s did not show disrespect to his father. The Qur’an recorded Prophet Nuh’s love to his son till the last minute of his life in (Surah Hud, 11:42-45) and Prophet Ibrahim’s respectful conversation with his father in (Surah Maryam, 19:41-46).
Both were constantly praying for the misguided family members until Allah s.w.t. commanded them to stop (Surah At-Tawbah, 9:113-4 and Surah Hud 11:46).
The examples contain important lessons for Muslims who are facing the same situation – maintaining the relationship and not ostracising the person, despite their misguided behaviour. The wisdom in this is that it would allow the door of communication to remain open which, one day, may cause a change in their hearts and behaviour. In contrast to severing the relationship, which may not only close the door of communication but also hurts feelings and aggravates the problem.
Secondly, the Prophets a.s continued to show love, care and concern to the family members, although they did not disregard the misguided behaviour.
This, thus, brings to an important lesson that maintaining family relationships and fulfilling their rights are not forbidden while boycotting and marginalising them are not the only way to deal with this issue or address the problem. They cannot also be regarded as approving and condoning the sins.
The Prophets’ stories also teach Muslim parents that faith and piety cannot be inherited. They can only be instilled in children through consistent and continuous education and counsel i.e. from birth till adulthood. Parents, thus, must realise that occupying themselves with plentiful of ibadah to attain personal taqwa and closeness to Allah, might not have a direct effect on their children’s piety if it is done at the expense of the children’s religious upbringing.
Reflect: From blaming to self-empowering
It is important to note that merely maintaining positive relationships and showing love and care may have unintended effects. Instead of realising the mistake and taking steps to change, the family member may regard it as acceptance and, thus, continue with the misguided behaviour.
Thus, such an approach must be complemented with active and constructive engagement to counsel the family member and change their behaviour or lifestyle.
This requires knowledge and skills from various disciplines which should be acquired through methodological learning and training from experts.. Most often, the misguided behaviour is a result of complex and multiple factors i.e not simply lack of religious knowledge or guidance.hus, continuous preaching about halal and haram in Islam, even a non-confrontational manner, may not have the intended effect.
Instead of spending time blaming, condemning and lamenting about the challenge faced, it would be better and productive for a Muslim who intends to see change in his misguided family member to spend time and energy in empowering himself with necessary tools i.e. knowledge and skills that would help in dealing with the situation in an effective and constructive manner.
Not to forget, a Muslim must constantly seek guidance from Allah s.w.t. and maintain a close relationship with Him through continuous ibadah (worship) that He provides strength, patience and guidance towards a harmonious resolution.
It is empowering also to realise that a person’s door to repentance is not closed as long he is alive. Stories of sinners discovering or rediscovering the truth are not uncommon.
Two examples can be cited. First is the story of a companion by the name of Tulaihah bin Khuwailid. He apostatized and claimed to be a prophet during the Prophet’s lifetime. However, he returned to Islam during the rule of Abu Bakr, the First Caliph, after his army was defeated in a battle. He later died as a martyr in the Battle of Nahawand against the Persian empire during the Second Caliph Umar’s rule. Another companion, Abdullah bin Abi Sarh left Islam and joined the hostile Meccans polytheists who were the enemy of the Prophet. However, he repented and returned to Islam and was appointed a governor by Uthman, the Third Caliph.
Don’t be quick to judge
The stories of the Prophets a.s teach that one should not be quick to judge or condemn Muslims who have to live with non-practising family members.
Such a situation is not a cause to be blamed for in Islam. Allah s.w.t. did not reprimand His Prophets for having sinful and disbelieving children, wives and parents. A Muslim is only blamed in such situation if he condones with heart and deed the misguided behaviour and does not strive to counsel the family members.
Unless one has evidence that such Muslim is in complicit with the misguided family members in sin, not judging him negatively is a virtue, based on principle, “al-asl baraah al-zimmah” (one should be considered innocent and free from any obligation, duty or blame, until proven otherwise) and the Qur’anic verse that says,